Introduction

I am an Orthodox Christian woman, baptized at age 72 after a life of spiritual and physical struggle. I am sharing here a spiritual journal of some highlights of the path that has recently opened up.

My history of physical and spiritual illness and search for healing is long and complex. Since 2023 I have vertebral fractures that have collapsed my neck, causing now constant excruciating pain. In recent years it became clear that my life path had a focus on penetrating the problem of extreme physical pain and suffering. Although I felt I was still only scratching the surface, I knew it was possible to gain mystical understanding and overcome suffering through surrender to God.

I look back on a series of many explorations for healing – I was deeply involved with an Indian spiritual tradition, and later, non-duality teachings, the spiritual science of Rudolf Steiner, and various schools and practices that grew out of the culture of new age spirituality. But in my greatest need in recent years, something was still missing.

I studied the western Christian medieval mystics over ten years, well known figures including Teresa of Avila and St John of the Cross. Although I was deeply drawn to those teachings and kept returning to them, I always felt they didn’t go far enough, couldn’t reach my personal pain in the way I experience it and guide me through lived experience to know God.

Discovering Orthodoxy through studying since early 2024, what I found in such a short time is the life of prayer that I always wanted. To “pray without ceasing.” And a way of moving from grief and despair into the joy of God’s glory, even in the midst of intense pain.

That was something I read about in St John of the Cross’ writings but never knew that the relationship with God that makes this possible is accessible to all who are called, not just rare historical figures of great saints and martyrs to read about. Seeing them as categorically more advanced than I could humbly aspire to, the inspiration those readings provided were alone not enough for me without actual means of accessing that grace as lived experience.

I came across the book The Way of a Pilgrim, which had been in my bookcase but I gave it another go. That opened the door and took me to reading the Desert Fathers. There were so many of these eastern elders that I had never heard of! And so much richness. I learned about the eastern (as opposed to far-eastern) ascetic tradition that applies to all who are called not just monastics.

This was the road I was seeking, and I realized that the Church was the missing piece – the body of Christ – that once rightly understood, provides the whole context for the true path. I needed this initiation into the Holy Mysteries. I felt that everywhere I had been before was preparation for this, and I was fervently ready for this immersion. I was baptized at home on Lazarus Saturday, April 12, 2025.

Speaking of severe physical suffering, I should let people know that the medical situation is complicated, and all appropriate measures are always being taken for medical support.

Glory to God for all things.

May we have the intercession of St. Kyranna.

-Karen (Kyranna), April 25, 2025

Though he was desperately ill, Saint Hilarion continued to thank the Lord sincerely until his last day. “Glory to God!” he would say. “I desired martyrdom, but God did not grant it to me. Instead He sent me an illness which will be equal in merit to martyrdom if I am able to bear it!”